Horoscope for the week of June 2, 2004

Horoscope ISSUE 40•22 Jun 2, 2004
  • Aries You have no idea why Nancy Sinatra keeps showing up at your place and soundly kicking your ass, but if you don't find out soon, there's a chance she'll stop.
  • Taurus It's not true that everything you like is illegal, immoral, or fattening, but that's because you're a boring Puritan with no imagination or glands.
  • Gemini The increasingly litigious and impolite nature of the times pays off for you when you become an expert hostile witness.
  • Cancer Only God can judge you. Unfortunately, He's been appearing to all your friends and telling them what an asshole you are.
  • Leo Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
  • Virgo Stop worrying about what does and doesn't give you cancer. You have more immediate concerns with who will or won't hang you upside-down on a razor-wire fence for 72 hours.
  • Libra You don't know a lot about art, but you do know what you like. This situation will lead to a curatorship at the National Museum Of Things I Like.
  • Scorpio You've never paid much attention to abandoned offshore oil platforms before, but suddenly everyone seems to think they'd be perfect for you.
  • Sagittarius You don't use the airwaves, exactly, but the FCC will soon take a stand on what you can and can't say using public air.
  • Capricorn There's been a lot of talk about the lack of nurse slayings lately, but you're the only person with the guts to actually do something about it.
  • Aquarius It's nice that you're reading to the elderly, but people are wondering exactly what it is you're reading to make so many of them die during the experience.
  • Pisces You'll learn a relatively valuable lesson this week, when a kindly homeless man teaches you about punctuation.