Aries You have no idea why Nancy Sinatra keeps showing up at your place and soundly kicking your ass, but if you don't find out soon, there's a chance she'll stop.
Taurus It's not true that everything you like is illegal, immoral, or fattening, but that's because you're a boring Puritan with no imagination or glands.
Gemini The increasingly litigious and impolite nature of the times pays off for you when you become an expert hostile witness.
Cancer Only God can judge you. Unfortunately, He's been appearing to all your friends and telling them what an asshole you are.
Leo Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
Virgo Stop worrying about what does and doesn't give you cancer. You have more immediate concerns with who will or won't hang you upside-down on a razor-wire fence for 72 hours.
Libra You don't know a lot about art, but you do know what you like. This situation will lead to a curatorship at the National Museum Of Things I Like.
Scorpio You've never paid much attention to abandoned offshore oil platforms before, but suddenly everyone seems to think they'd be perfect for you.
Sagittarius You don't use the airwaves, exactly, but the FCC will soon take a stand on what you can and can't say using public air.
Capricorn There's been a lot of talk about the lack of nurse slayings lately, but you're the only person with the guts to actually do something about it.
Aquarius It's nice that you're reading to the elderly, but people are wondering exactly what it is you're reading to make so many of them die during the experience.
Pisces You'll learn a relatively valuable lesson this week, when a kindly homeless man teaches you about punctuation.
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