Aries Your execution by lethal injection will spark endless debate on whether capital punishment in America is cool-looking enough.
Taurus Don't be superstitious: The camera doesn't steal a piece of your soul every time it captures your image. Just look at all those people on the TV.
Gemini The stars have decided that you, Steven P. Kreindler, wannabe Eurotrash vulture, will never get laid again.
Cancer If there were a way to foretell next week without a tall dark stranger, a journey over water, or an old flame who still burns for you, we would. Sorry.
Leo You've always felt that your father is in Heaven watching over you, a belief that's kept you from getting a good night's sleep for 24 years.
Virgo At the end of the day, the important thing is that you stood up to the shark and didn't run away like a sissy.
Libra Nailing the parrot to your shoulder may keep it secure while you're climbing the rigging or sailing rough seas, but it'll also make it harder to replace.
Scorpio You will be overjoyed next week to meet the most shameless slut the world has ever known, at long last ending your search for your real mother.
Sagittarius You've changed, man. The stars remember when it was all about the future and your fortune, not all this other bullshit.
Capricorn Jesus isn't likely to accept your last-minute deathbed repentance, so remind Him firmly that He doesn't make the rules.
Aquarius You have no idea how petty your ethnic squabbles seem to people outside of the Des Moines area.
Pisces Your academic reputation will be ruined when the truth comes out that your dissertation's central thesis is identical to the plot of Monkey Trouble.
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