Aries Although your life has been uneventful up until now, there is something special in store for Aries.
Taurus Due to an odd arrangement of the constellations, you will be born the oldest son of Thomas Fludd, Treasurer of War to Queen Elizabeth, later this week.
Gemini You will receive a mass-mailed document from God informing you that, despite earlier third-party claims to the contrary, He does indeed make junk.
Cancer Your shy and retiring temperament does not preclude your running down the street naked and on fire next Thursday.
Leo You will be publicly ridiculed when the ghost of Jose Canseco denies your story.
Virgo You know, Virgo has to admit itñyou're just such a nutty wack-meister that the stars have no gosh-darned idea what you're going to do next!
Libra You may be tired of your migraines, but don't worry. There's only one left to go.
Scorpio Although you believe that Grandma's hands are now guiding you from Heaven, she's actually trying to get the undertaker's stitches out of her eyes with her left while scratching feebly at the coffin lid with her right.
Sagittarius The day of judgment is finally upon you, but you may still avoid the wrath of the universe: Skip the lame excuses and just pay the stupid speeding ticket.
Capricorn It's really starting to look like you'll never be asked to join Split Enz.
Aquarius Your tragic visit to the U.S. Mint is a windfall for coin collectors, who will soon pay up to $1,000 for pennies stamped with tiny pieces of you.
Pisces Although the surgeons would like to cheer you up any way they can, the law won't let you keep your legs in glass jars.