• Aries It's time to come to terms with your less-than-perfect childhood. After all, you did get to meet Robin Ventura during his tour of minimum-security group homes.
  • Taurus A magical world of sensual enjoyment will come to your door this week, provided your check is from a local bank and numbered above 1000.
  • Gemini You should quit telling people that God is your co-pilot. You know damn well He just works the radio set.
  • Cancer You will be unable to shake the feeling that Latin pop is the next big thing.
  • Leo The sun in your sign indicates that you shouldn’t go outside and look directly at your sign until a few hours have passed.
  • Virgo Fortune is yours this week: You’ve been pre-approved for the exciting new Virgo Platinum Card with Double Cashback Bonus!
  • Libra A brief period of confusion over the words "horizontal" and "vertical" will screw up your TV picture for hours.
  • Scorpio You will be given a new reason to believe in ancient astronauts when you see Buzz Aldrin on the news. He looks about 102, for chrissakes.
  • Sagittarius Your ability to discern among monkeys, apes, chimps and mandrills will come in handy when you tell the zookeeper exactly what happened.
  • Capricorn Be more sensitive to people's needs this week. For instance, nursing students chained in one's basement need food, water and access to restroom facilities.
  • Aquarius Friday will find you lost and alone in a world you never made. Try to ignore the feeling until you can get back to the office on Monday.
  • Pisces You will once again try and fail to sleep your way to the top of K2, the world’s second-highest mountain.