Aries You were all set to have a whirlwind week of romance and a landslide financial success, but a supernova in Cancer has changed your fortune to regular whirlwinds and landslides.
Taurus You will have mixed feelings about your career this week when you're unexpectedly promoted from assistant third-shift server to Admiral of the Fifth Fleet.
Gemini You're about to go through a very sad time of the soul, but now that Ray Charles is dead, that's pretty much true for everybody.
Cancer You've said that your head will explode if you hear one more bad dance remix, but club-goers will still be shocked and appalled when it happens.
Leo You'll disprove an old adage this week when you use violence to solve the General Deg 5 polynomial equation.
Virgo If you had to do it all over again, you wouldn't change a thing, which proves that you're a masochistic submoron.
Libra Getting hit by a crosstown city bus once was bad enough, but you thought moving to the countryside of Pago Pago would prevent a second incident.
Scorpio Many twins have a certain telepathy, which explains why someone who looks just like you will appear this week and order you to stop thinking about pie.
Sagittarius Sports metaphors are among the most trite, but it's hard to deny that your life is a lot like buzkashi, a violent Afghan form of polo played with goat corpses.
Capricorn The story of your ocean voyage will inspire a song of such tragic beauty that it will be known as the next "Edmund Fitzgerald."
Aquarius What with the threshing machine, the barrels of cyanide, and the Gatling gun, the coroner will have a hell of a time determining your cause of death.
Pisces You used to think there's no such thing as bad publicity, but that was before you saw your profile in Us Weekly.
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