Horoscope for the week of June 23, 2004

Horoscope ISSUE 40•25 Jun 23, 2004
  • Aries You were all set to have a whirlwind week of romance and a landslide financial success, but a supernova in Cancer has changed your fortune to regular whirlwinds and landslides.
  • Taurus You will have mixed feelings about your career this week when you're unexpectedly promoted from assistant third-shift server to Admiral of the Fifth Fleet.
  • Gemini You're about to go through a very sad time of the soul, but now that Ray Charles is dead, that's pretty much true for everybody.
  • Cancer You've said that your head will explode if you hear one more bad dance remix, but club-goers will still be shocked and appalled when it happens.
  • Leo You'll disprove an old adage this week when you use violence to solve the General Deg 5 polynomial equation.
  • Virgo If you had to do it all over again, you wouldn't change a thing, which proves that you're a masochistic submoron.
  • Libra Getting hit by a crosstown city bus once was bad enough, but you thought moving to the countryside of Pago Pago would prevent a second incident.
  • Scorpio Many twins have a certain telepathy, which explains why someone who looks just like you will appear this week and order you to stop thinking about pie.
  • Sagittarius Sports metaphors are among the most trite, but it's hard to deny that your life is a lot like buzkashi, a violent Afghan form of polo played with goat corpses.
  • Capricorn The story of your ocean voyage will inspire a song of such tragic beauty that it will be known as the next "Edmund Fitzgerald."
  • Aquarius What with the threshing machine, the barrels of cyanide, and the Gatling gun, the coroner will have a hell of a time determining your cause of death.
  • Pisces You used to think there's no such thing as bad publicity, but that was before you saw your profile in Us Weekly.