Aries If you listen closely, you can still hear all those nurses shrieking in mortal agony. Do not worry, however, as the voices are only in your head.
Taurus Your last hope of finding love is ruined when the last Great Perverted Peruvian Stagfish dies in captivity.
Gemini Due to a typographical error in your Bible, you mistakenly spend an entire Lutheran retreat praising the Lard God Almighty.
Cancer If it is your birthday this week, avoid becoming overwhelmed with a despairing sense of your inescapable mortality by eating an enormous amount of flavorful sausage.
Leo For reasons known only to the stars, your next three weeks will be drab, joyless and utterly without a source of high-quality jokes and satire.
Virgo You will find yourself homeless, friendless and homesick this week when your 10-year prison sentence finally ends. However, you will soon find a great way to get back "inside" for good.
Libra You will be filled with a sense of overwhelming peace and well-being shortly after eviscerating every single bastard in Boulder, CO.
Scorpio You will fail to carefully read the directions before using a power tool for the 795th and final time.
Sagittarius A long road-trip with your husband ends with him being fatally run over by a careening semi and you winning the Arkansas state lottery.
Capricorn Saturn in your sign indicates that you will live a long, happy and satisfying life, but a sign on Saturn indicates that it is temporarily out of order.
Aquarius You will go down in history this week as the World's Largest And Most Difficult-To-Remove Bloodstain.
Pisces The Summer Solstice will be a time of mysterious portents and strange magicks for you, unless you are not a stupid hippie.
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