• Aries If you listen closely, you can still hear all those nurses shrieking in mortal agony. Do not worry, however, as the voices are only in your head.
  • Taurus Your last hope of finding love is ruined when the last Great Perverted Peruvian Stagfish dies in captivity.
  • Gemini Due to a typographical error in your Bible, you mistakenly spend an entire Lutheran retreat praising the Lard God Almighty.
  • Cancer If it is your birthday this week, avoid becoming overwhelmed with a despairing sense of your inescapable mortality by eating an enormous amount of flavorful sausage.
  • Leo For reasons known only to the stars, your next three weeks will be drab, joyless and utterly without a source of high-quality jokes and satire.
  • Virgo You will find yourself homeless, friendless and homesick this week when your 10-year prison sentence finally ends. However, you will soon find a great way to get back "inside" for good.
  • Libra You will be filled with a sense of overwhelming peace and well-being shortly after eviscerating every single bastard in Boulder, CO.
  • Scorpio You will fail to carefully read the directions before using a power tool for the 795th and final time.
  • Sagittarius A long road-trip with your husband ends with him being fatally run over by a careening semi and you winning the Arkansas state lottery.
  • Capricorn Saturn in your sign indicates that you will live a long, happy and satisfying life, but a sign on Saturn indicates that it is temporarily out of order.
  • Aquarius You will go down in history this week as the World's Largest And Most Difficult-To-Remove Bloodstain.
  • Pisces The Summer Solstice will be a time of mysterious portents and strange magicks for you, unless you are not a stupid hippie.