• Aries You will be awoken nightly between 2 and 4 a.m., by a friend who used to be cool but now just wants to talk about how 'Til Tuesday was an underrated band.
  • Taurus When he said, "It bears, as in a nightmare one bears the impossible and finds no deliverance," Rilke was talking about Rodin's "Fallen Caryatid," but if you want to use that quote to talk about your foot pain, no one can stop you.
  • Gemini Your fate will be influenced by nostalgic cosmic forces this week, when Castor, one of Gemini's formative stars, takes this week off to attend his high school's 10 billion year reunion.
  • Cancer You lack initiative, which means that you usually wait until someone yells "Get funky!" before you get funky.
  • Leo You won't listen to the many people who tell you that your lover is bad for you until it's too late and you're almost completely finished devouring his corpse.
  • Virgo Like the broader American pop culture, you are fascinated with prison life, but this will change as soon as you're condemned to three consecutive life sentences.
  • Libra You try to keep an open mind, but you're pretty sure there's no way that a damn cat could have helped solve over 30 capital crimes.
  • Scorpio You're not all that angry that someone put that video of you being hit by a bus, attacked by a bear, and stabbed with scissors on the Internet, but for them to set it to Limp Bizkit's "Break Stuff" is just wrong.
  • Sagittarius The good news is that you're finally getting as much sex as you want. The bad news is that it's a kind of sex you always wanted to avoid if at all possible.
  • Capricorn The authorities have not given your lost love up for dead quite yet. They have reason to believe that she's in Duluth, though, which you must admit is pretty much the same thing.
  • Aquarius You are, of course, given the right to the pursuit of happiness, but there's nothing to prevent others from aiding and abetting your happiness in its desperate attempt to escape you.
  • Pisces You used to compare yourself to Icarus, but you're less likely to do so now that you know he once helped a woman cheat on her husband by having sex with a cow.