Aries Representatives of a local veteran's group will appear at your door this week and say that, although they fought to defend your rights, they would appreciate it if you would stop exercising them.
Taurus Your Leatherman will come in the mail this week, but, disappointingly, it turns out to just be a plier-like multi-tool.
Gemini The police will finally find the plastic bag of heroin you hid in the cat.
Cancer Everything you attempt this week will work wonderfully, with the exception of your playful experiment with autoerotic hanging.
Leo You will receive a bill in advance for several thousand dollars in long-distance calls when your local service provider becomes a psychic phone company.
Virgo Though the events of this week will be extremely painful, you will eventually achieve mythic status with your books about being skinned alive and left to die on the Bonneville Salt Flats.
Libra You will need to stock up on horse laxative, bandages, talcum powder and home pregnancy tests this week for reasons the stars would rather not discuss.
Scorpio Uranus in your sign will lead to many silly and tasteless jokes being made by your stupidest friends.
Sagittarius You will learn an important lesson about yourself this week after robbing a bank and jumping off a cliff just because all of your friends did.
Capricorn One of the happiest moments of your life will be ruined when you realize what the bricks in your new red brick house are actually made of.
Aquarius After a ferocious beating at the hands of pimply teens, you vow never to use the phrase "just a video game" again.
Pisces The stars indicate that this is a good time to begin new projects. By a strange coincidence, this happens to be something you were about to do.