• Aries Force the neighborhood ice-cream man to move into your spare bedroom and dress in a French maid's outfit. Explain to him that he is now your ice-cream man.
  • Taurus Your most romantic dream comes true when hunk Parker Stevenson saves you from certain suffocation by performing a life-saving tracheotomy with his penis.
  • Gemini The stars declare that your life shall be full of love, wealth and happiness from now on. They are lying.
  • Cancer Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
  • Leo You will have a chance to act like a hero if front of all your friends when you see an old lady fall in the street. Point at her and shout, "Burn on you!" at the top of your lungs.
  • Virgo You will be held personally responsible when the star-sign Virgo changes its traditional moniker from The Virgin to The Drunken Sniffer Of Bicycle Seats.
  • Libra It is time for you and your mate to move up to the next level of closeness. Instead of your normal sexual lubricant, substitute a water-based, spermicidal form of Superglue.
  • Scorpio You decide to come out of the closet this week, but nobody seems to care because you are only a wire hanger.
  • Sagittarius Detectives will match your stapler to the wounds in all those poor nurses.
  • Capricorn You will be chopped to bits, roasted, covered with caramel, stuffed in a box with a cheap toy, and sold to children nationwide.
  • Aquarius It's time to stop lying to yourself. It's no secret that you're naked inside your hamburger-mascot outfit.
  • Pisces You will lose a game of poker to Satan by drawing to an inside straight. There is no reason to worry, however, as the two of you are only playing to pass the time on a bus trip.