Aries The whole neighborhood knows you as the man with the heart of stone and the fists of steel, which is not the reputation you want as a concert pianist.
Taurus You'll admit that the errors MIT found in your coordinate system for a nine-dimensional plenum check out, but it still seems like they did it just to be dicks.
Gemini The jury will not be moved by your argument that the term "escaped tigers" implies the intent was with the tigers.
Cancer The story of the universe has always fascinated you, but the ending will leave you with a lot of unanswered questions.
Leo After the events of next Sunday, for the rest of your life, people will stop you on the street and ask you to autograph packages of pork chops.
Virgo You will soon take an extremely long journey over water, which is odd given how little water there will be.
Libra Investigators say the truth is found by following the money or the sex, which makes you immune to any possible suspicion.
Scorpio You'll be getting phone calls for a year after your appearance on E!'s Wild On Scorpio.
Sagittarius Death will soon take a holiday and put you in charge of his dread offices for a week, but it will all go off without a hitch and barely be worthy of comment.
Capricorn Jupiter ascendant in your sign this week indicates that contemporary fiction would be richer and more resonant if it were less self-indulgent.
Aquarius It's not always the person you least expect, because, if it were, it would always be you.
Pisces Soon, people will be breaking down your door to get your secret to happiness, because your secret is 85 kilos of uncut Bolivian coke.
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