• Aries The whole neighborhood knows you as the man with the heart of stone and the fists of steel, which is not the reputation you want as a concert pianist.
  • Taurus You'll admit that the errors MIT found in your coordinate system for a nine-dimensional plenum check out, but it still seems like they did it just to be dicks.
  • Gemini The jury will not be moved by your argument that the term "escaped tigers" implies the intent was with the tigers.
  • Cancer The story of the universe has always fascinated you, but the ending will leave you with a lot of unanswered questions.
  • Leo After the events of next Sunday, for the rest of your life, people will stop you on the street and ask you to autograph packages of pork chops.
  • Virgo You will soon take an extremely long journey over water, which is odd given how little water there will be.
  • Libra Investigators say the truth is found by following the money or the sex, which makes you immune to any possible suspicion.
  • Scorpio You'll be getting phone calls for a year after your appearance on E!'s Wild On Scorpio.
  • Sagittarius Death will soon take a holiday and put you in charge of his dread offices for a week, but it will all go off without a hitch and barely be worthy of comment.
  • Capricorn Jupiter ascendant in your sign this week indicates that contemporary fiction would be richer and more resonant if it were less self-indulgent.
  • Aquarius It's not always the person you least expect, because, if it were, it would always be you.
  • Pisces Soon, people will be breaking down your door to get your secret to happiness, because your secret is 85 kilos of uncut Bolivian coke.