• Aries This week, you'll be living proof that one man can make a differenceóat least to the owners of Lucky Lucy's All-U-Can-Eat Buffet.
  • Taurus It'll be a nuisance wearing the Nielsen box on your head all week, but at least you'll find out that your viewership goes up when you're fighting or having sex.
  • Gemini You'll be at the center of a gay-rights battle this week when you try to claim partnership benefits from both your lesbian and heterosexual marriages.
  • Cancer Your dream of operating your own karaoke bar is shattered when you discover, on opening night, that you need to let others sing, too.
  • Leo Once again, you are relegated to being the one who causes the distraction while someone else gets to sneak past in the confusion and save the girl.
  • Virgo It's all over but the shouting, but don't worry: It's going to be great shouting.
  • Libra You will learn the hard way that climbing a mountain isn't the kind of thing to do drunk. But you promised.
  • Scorpio The name "The Stripper Murderer" looms large in your future. Apparently, you'll either murder some strippers or be murdered by one.
  • Sagittarius When resolving office conflicts, remember the wisdom of Mahatma Gandhi: If enough peasants die horribly, someone will probably notice.
  • Capricorn You will find yourself living out the lyrics to a popular song, sort of, when love slaps you down where you belong.
  • Aquarius Events will soon come to pass which will brand you forever as "the kind of guy who doesn't freak out if you shit in his stove.
  • Pisces The stars, without giving too much away, think there has never been a better time to stay home and avoid all galactic-adventure sci-fi movies.