Horoscope for the week of June 6, 2001

Horoscope ISSUE 37•21 Jun 6, 2001
  • Aries You will realize that just because an idea comes to you in a dream doesn't make it any good after spending millions establishing a projectile-flooring business.
  • Taurus You've stuck to your diet and deserve a reward. Let yourself come between an enraged mother polar bear and her cubs just this once.
  • Gemini After discovering the lost manuscript to George Orwell's 1975, you are silenced by the government for knowing subversively kitschy secrets.
  • Cancer There are some things that only become funny when you look back on them years later. Next Wednesday, however, will seem funny almost instantly.
  • Leo Your word will never be bond again when you violate your age-old vow never to be caught dead in beige pumps.
  • Virgo Not to make you feel any worse, but even Virgo knows that drawing to fill an inside straight is a bad idea. Idiot.
  • Libra You will be praised by needy upper-middle-class families everywhere when you found the first charity dedicated to helping the vacation-home-less.
  • Scorpio You will be metaphorically drawn and quartered after misusing the word "literally" four times in one conversation.
  • Sagittarius Your impromptu conga line across the Mideast will somehow fail to bring peace to the region.
  • Capricorn You will witness many instances of comedy as a delightful, if unexpected, secondary benefit of next week's floor-buttering experiment.
  • Aquarius Remember: You didn't become a screen-door-factory worker for the money or the fame. Remind yourself of this constantly.
  • Pisces You will spend an entire day in New York City without meeting a soul. You will, however, meet dozens of actual people.