• Aries Your purpose in life will be discovered this week when your oddly shaped body slides easily into the circus cannon.
  • Taurus For the last time: Do not sacrifice goats to Taurus. That's not how it works.
  • Gemini Though the Doors Of Perception have failed to open for you, the Doors Of Eating A Whole Box Of Dove Bars swing wide at your slightest touch.
  • Cancer If you use the phrase "proactive revenue streaming" one more time, the stars will see to it that you never meet any handsome dark strangers again.
  • Leo It's never too late to start your life over, but hurryñyou have only minutes.
  • Virgo Though they may do your bidding for the moment, beware: The robots are not your friends.
  • Libra You have a distinct, everpresent odor. The stars indicate, however, that it shouldn't be considered a problem odor.
  • Scorpio You are like a Greek god, what with the way you drink, cavort with shepherdesses, and throw your dishes around while shouting "Opa!"
  • Sagittarius Romance will transform your life into a love story, one which comes to a deus ex machina ending when a 747 falls out of the sky and kills both of you.
  • Capricorn Your argument that there is nothing in the Bible against your hobby falls apart when the prison pastor directs your attention to the Fifth Commandment.
  • Aquarius Your life hits a new low when you overhear Todd Bridges asking Jerry Mathers what the hell ever happened to you.
  • Pisces Your spiritual transportation into a new dimension sours somewhat when it turns out to be a new dimension in wallcoverings.