• Aries Nothing will be able to stop you from developing an unquenchable thirst for knowledge, especially in the area of the nightly prime-time-television schedule.
  • Taurus You must learn to control your natural urges. What you feel may be hard to hold back, but there are special rooms for that sort of thing.
  • Gemini The stars predict that everything will be pretty lousy for you this week. Not that they’re paying any special attention, really, but it seems to be the way to bet.
  • Cancer You will waste another nine hours having phone sex this week, but since your particular phone sex doesn't require calling anyone, at least you won’t waste any money.
  • Leo Due to a misunderstanding on your part, you have not actually been an anthropologist for the past three years. You are actually an anthropophagist.
  • Virgo Virgo is surprised you still care what she has to say, after all the time you’ve been spending with that slut the Tarot.
  • Libra If financial woes continue to affect your mood, try doing some shopping. That always cheers you up.
  • Scorpio You will receive a drunken late-night call from Tom Wopat, who was going through some old fan mail and decided to accept your 1978 marriage proposal.
  • Sagittarius Your visit to the U.S. Senate becomes awkward when you are unable to stop giggling at the term "body politic."
  • Capricorn Christ will appear to you in a dream this week. A dream, do you hear? It was a dream! It didn’t really happen! Now get ahold of yourself.
  • Aquarius Aquarius would like to remind you that this is our annual community-outreach week, so smile, be polite, and remember to Make Yourself Aquari-Useful!
  • Pisces You will become rich and beautiful and loved by all and everyone will want to be your friend and it will be that way forever. Now please stop calling.