Aries You'll accidentally stumble upon the secret of the Dim Mak Death Touch this Thursday—which, as luck would have it, is your first day as a massage therapist.
Taurus While you were never officially partnered up with him in the first place, Art Garfunkel will make a big deal out of reuniting with you.
Gemini The little black dress is an instant sophisticator—slimming, elegant, and timeless—but you'd be better off going with something flame-resistant this weekend.
Cancer Your loved ones are willing to respect your wishes regarding your funeral, but if you keep changing your mind about the music, they'll think you're stalling.
Leo You'll be forced to dress up as a member of the opposite sex and adopt a monkey in order to inherit $1 million, but it'll go off without a hitch.
Virgo Some news sources will concentrate on your elderly victims, others on the slain children, and quite a few on the kittens.
Libra Demented surgeons will drive a half-inch steel rod through your cheeks and attach it to a water-skiing towrope, but unfortunately, they'll lose the bet that made them do it in the first place.
Scorpio You had no idea that America's network of salt-mining tunnels was so vast, or that it would take you so long to starve once you got lost in it.
Sagittarius They say you never hear the shot that gets you, but thanks to the acoustics in your bathroom, you'll hear all 59 of them perfectly.
Capricorn Marcus Aurelius said to always honor the human faculty which produces opinions, proving once and for all that he never met you.
Aquarius You'll be surprised to find out that Congress is empowered to forcibly sublet your apartment for the summer.
Pisces The stars foretell your life continuing in much the way it always has for the next few months.
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