• Aries You'll accidentally stumble upon the secret of the Dim Mak Death Touch this Thursday—which, as luck would have it, is your first day as a massage therapist.
  • Taurus While you were never officially partnered up with him in the first place, Art Garfunkel will make a big deal out of reuniting with you.
  • Gemini The little black dress is an instant sophisticator—slimming, elegant, and timeless—but you'd be better off going with something flame-resistant this weekend.
  • Cancer Your loved ones are willing to respect your wishes regarding your funeral, but if you keep changing your mind about the music, they'll think you're stalling.
  • Leo You'll be forced to dress up as a member of the opposite sex and adopt a monkey in order to inherit $1 million, but it'll go off without a hitch.
  • Virgo Some news sources will concentrate on your elderly victims, others on the slain children, and quite a few on the kittens.
  • Libra Demented surgeons will drive a half-inch steel rod through your cheeks and attach it to a water-skiing towrope, but unfortunately, they'll lose the bet that made them do it in the first place.
  • Scorpio You had no idea that America's network of salt-mining tunnels was so vast, or that it would take you so long to starve once you got lost in it.
  • Sagittarius They say you never hear the shot that gets you, but thanks to the acoustics in your bathroom, you'll hear all 59 of them perfectly.
  • Capricorn Marcus Aurelius said to always honor the human faculty which produces opinions, proving once and for all that he never met you.
  • Aquarius You'll be surprised to find out that Congress is empowered to forcibly sublet your apartment for the summer.
  • Pisces The stars foretell your life continuing in much the way it always has for the next few months.