Horoscope

03.01.00 | ISSUE 36•07

  • Aries Your love is a burning love, one whose tremendous depth and strength is not to be denied. Too bad it's a love of pancakes.
  • Taurus You will make an exciting and final journey about halfway over water this week.
  • Gemini You will make chess history when you discover that Fisher's fabled Moscow Gambit can be beaten through the use of treachery, deceit, and land mines.
  • Cancer There may or may not be a new star in Cancer's sky, depending on whether you think Kris Kristofferson is a star.
  • Leo Though your fiendish plan is overly complicated and bound to fail, everyone agrees that it is remarkably fiendish.
  • Virgo With the help of an especially long, hot shower, you will singlehandedly bring your apartment into the Age of Steam.
  • Libra Another week goes by in which major heads of state fail to consult you on crucial foreign-policy decisions.
  • Scorpio If you continue to be persistent in asking Dr. Love, he'll eventually answer. Then you'll be really sorry.
  • Sagittarius This is no time to selfishly put your own needs before those of loved ones. Wait for summer.
  • Capricorn Your wife will scream another man's name in the heat of passion, launching you on a 30-year quest to find and kill this mysterious "Honey."
  • Aquarius Most disagreements result from either things you do or things you say. Notice that we did not say "things one does or says," as it's all you.
  • Pisces The stars indicate through little hints and asides that their birthday is coming up, and they would just love that adorable little tennis bracelet.
  • Past Horoscopes

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

    • November 1, 2011

      Aries They say the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, but as far as you're concerned, crap like that is for people who can get out of bed. Taurus Your significant other has always been the never-say-d...

    See All Horoscopes
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