• Aries Your love is a burning love, one whose tremendous depth and strength is not to be denied. Too bad it's a love of pancakes.
  • Taurus You will make an exciting and final journey about halfway over water this week.
  • Gemini You will make chess history when you discover that Fisher's fabled Moscow Gambit can be beaten through the use of treachery, deceit, and land mines.
  • Cancer There may or may not be a new star in Cancer's sky, depending on whether you think Kris Kristofferson is a star.
  • Leo Though your fiendish plan is overly complicated and bound to fail, everyone agrees that it is remarkably fiendish.
  • Virgo With the help of an especially long, hot shower, you will singlehandedly bring your apartment into the Age of Steam.
  • Libra Another week goes by in which major heads of state fail to consult you on crucial foreign-policy decisions.
  • Scorpio If you continue to be persistent in asking Dr. Love, he'll eventually answer. Then you'll be really sorry.
  • Sagittarius This is no time to selfishly put your own needs before those of loved ones. Wait for summer.
  • Capricorn Your wife will scream another man's name in the heat of passion, launching you on a 30-year quest to find and kill this mysterious "Honey."
  • Aquarius Most disagreements result from either things you do or things you say. Notice that we did not say "things one does or says," as it's all you.
  • Pisces The stars indicate through little hints and asides that their birthday is coming up, and they would just love that adorable little tennis bracelet.