Aries You say you're not a cat person, but the graceful movements, the purring, and the fur give you away.
Taurus You will be fired for abusing your lighthouse-keeper position when passing ship captains grow weary of your sky-spanning vacation slides.
Gemini You never thought smoking in the forest endangered you, but that was before an angry Smokey decided to stop fucking around about the fire-prevention thing.
Cancer You have a right to be happy, but that might not outweigh the feelings of the dozens who so enjoy your misery.
Leo The truth is indeed elusive, hard to comprehend, and subjective. What we're trying to say is: You're fat.
Virgo Uninvolved bystanders will witness your crime, but due to its graphic nature, they can no longer be considered "innocent."
Libra The stars, in their infinite variety, indicate both romance ahead for lucky Libra and the approximate age of the universe for competent astronomers.
Scorpio You've always been a fashion-forward trendsetter, which is why, after next Thursday, they'll all be saying that getting shot in the face is the new black.
Sagittarius Americans are tired of politics as usual, but no one ever gets tired of unanimous bipartisan actions against you.
Capricorn Your personal tragedy will make people stop and think about how it's equally tragic to die two days after retirement.
Aquarius There's no sense cutting costs when it comes to hiring a personal trainer, if your back-breaking weeks of helping people move are any guide.
Pisces Gradual, almost imperceptible change will make you a better person over the course of the next 37,000 years.
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