Horoscope for the week of March 12, 1997

Horoscope ISSUE 31•09 Mar 12, 1997
  • Aries You will lose hundreds of dollars when you bet on author James Clavell to win, place and show in the Indy 500.
  • Taurus Past mistakes will come back to haunt you this week when your traffic-ticket hearing is complicated by the untimely discovery of those seven nurses in Oregon.
  • Gemini You will make headlines nationally when more than two dozen people witness your brutal, protracted public slaying and make no attempt whatsoever to help you.
  • Cancer The triumphant return of Jesus turns sour when he demands to play keyboards for your Bad English tribute band.
  • Leo Your scheme to score with your date by slipping something into her drink while she goes off to the bathroom backfires when it turns out she despises the taste of Hydrox cookies.
  • Virgo Your judgment is called into question when, despite the strong advice of your friends down in the marketing department, you decide to go ahead with plans to launch a winter invasion of Russia.
  • Libra Aliens descend upon your house this week, implanting in your subconscious the stong suggestion to take up model railroading.
  • Scorpio A great honor is bestowed upon you this week when Pam Dawber records a new answering-machine message for you free of charge.
  • Sagittarius Everything you desire shall be yours this week, providing you do not under any circumstances read your horoscope.
  • Capricorn Your dead father will cause awkwardness among your family this week when he is reincarnated as your son.
  • Aquarius To your great embarrassment, you discover this week that the purchase of a cellular phone does not require you to choose a "handle."
  • Pisces During the celebration of your birthday, your best friend will crystallize your thoughts when she says, "This is the worst party ever."