Horoscope for the week of March 12, 2003

Horoscope ISSUE 39•09 Mar 12, 2003
  • Aries There's nothing wrong with you that a good night's sleep wouldn't cure. Assuming, of course, that you don't count the bone cancer.
  • Taurus For the last time: It simply isn't true about Richard Gere. Please stop asking.
  • Gemini You've done endless reading on the subject and participated in hundreds of simulations, but you will still find yourself unprepared for actual sex.
  • Cancer Your long search for a viable alternative energy source may finally be over when you discover a potent, readily available white powder that goes up your nose.
  • Leo A sign in your workplace boasts more than a thousand days without a lost-time accident, but that's only because they don't count your constant rebreaking of the same leg.
  • Virgo You'll eventually be the one to get the girl, thanks to your patience and the fact that you don't care that she's dead.
  • Libra The old ass-Xeroxing prank will go awry when your boss catches you in the act and makes you the ass-Xeroxing supervisor for the entire Northeast region.
  • Scorpio You don't regret choosing the Jermaine Stewart classic for your personal theme song, but you're starting to think it would be nice to occasionally take your clothes off to have a good time.
  • Sagittarius After months of soul-searching, you'll finally decide to write your memoirs, but it winds up taking less than three days.
  • Capricorn Your family will react to your declaration that you don't want a fancy, overblown funeral with relief and increased murder attempts.
  • Aquarius Police will immediately rule you out as a suspect in the Case of the Impressive, Well-Spoken, Sexy Bandit.
  • Pisces The blood of legends will soon run in your veins, thanks to your purchase of a home legendary-blood transfusion kit.