Horoscope for the week of March 13, 2002

Horoscope ISSUE 38•09 Mar 13, 2002
  • Aries Though everything seems to be going fine between you and your love interest, you will be stricken with cancer to create dramatic tension in the third act.
  • Taurus You will continue your pattern of taking two steps forward and thirty or forty back toward the nearest tavern.
  • Gemini Your friend Nathan will continue to display talents and skills that make you seem boring by comparison.
  • Cancer Your upcoming appearance on a popular wildlife show will provide a cautionary example to whale-watchers for years to come.
  • Leo When driving through the desert, you should never stop and eat mysterious piles of birdseed, even if "FREE BIRDSEED" signs are stuck in them.
  • Virgo You will soon learn the hard way that "motherly love" means different things to different mothers.
  • Libra You will be unable to get the Led Zeppelin song "Stairway To Heaven" out of your head after discovering an actual stairway to heaven in a vacant lot.
  • Scorpio Pain and humiliation will be your lot when a scheduling snafu pits you against the Detroit Red Wings two nights in a row.
  • Sagittarius The paramedics will find it much easier to load you into the ambulance if they remember to bring a few buckets.
  • Capricorn Try not to hold those you love to impossible standards, such as being able to love you back.
  • Aquarius You will find it hard to emulate Alexander the Great as long as you are forced to work with Sandra the Dippy.
  • Pisces Soon, you'll be savoring the sly satisfaction of getting away with something, but don't be too smug: That would be too much alliteration.