• Aries There's a lot to be said for self-improvement, but making yourself more aerodynamic is probably a waste of time.
  • Taurus Your generosity with others pays off this week when the terrorists spare most of the hostages in exchange for a helicopter and one million Swiss francs.
  • Gemini You're one of those hyper-competitive sorts who believe that something as trivial as a foosball loss makes you a lesser person. Well, it does.
  • Cancer It's time to end your long, foolish disagreement with an old friend. Her pronunciation of "tomato" is, in fact, correct.
  • Leo Look at it this way: Nine times out of ten, you probably would have charmed that snake.
  • Virgo You will commit a classic dating faux pas this week when, at a classy French bistro, you shoot your dinner companion 17 times.
  • Libra Your theory that the human scalp is an ablative heat shield designed to burn off upon re-entry into the atmosphere will be disproved in government tests.
  • Scorpio Deny it all you want, but that giant robot from the Queen album cover is real and he hates you.
  • Sagittarius Just because you once shoplifted a candy bar in Toronto, that doesn't make you a "suave international criminal."
  • Capricorn Try to overcome your fear of trains this week. Stand in front of one to prove it can't possibly hurt you.
  • Aquarius You can't shake the feeling that there's much more to life than watching Rockford Files reruns all day. However, you can live with it.
  • Pisces The stars expect you to be professional and abide by their decision to kill you off to boost ratings and move the sluggish storyline along.