Aries There's a lot to be said for self-improvement, but making yourself more aerodynamic is probably a waste of time.
Taurus Your generosity with others pays off this week when the terrorists spare most of the hostages in exchange for a helicopter and one million Swiss francs.
Gemini You're one of those hyper-competitive sorts who believe that something as trivial as a foosball loss makes you a lesser person. Well, it does.
Cancer It's time to end your long, foolish disagreement with an old friend. Her pronunciation of "tomato" is, in fact, correct.
Leo Look at it this way: Nine times out of ten, you probably would have charmed that snake.
Virgo You will commit a classic dating faux pas this week when, at a classy French bistro, you shoot your dinner companion 17 times.
Libra Your theory that the human scalp is an ablative heat shield designed to burn off upon re-entry into the atmosphere will be disproved in government tests.
Scorpio Deny it all you want, but that giant robot from the Queen album cover is real and he hates you.
Sagittarius Just because you once shoplifted a candy bar in Toronto, that doesn't make you a "suave international criminal."
Capricorn Try to overcome your fear of trains this week. Stand in front of one to prove it can't possibly hurt you.
Aquarius You can't shake the feeling that there's much more to life than watching Rockford Files reruns all day. However, you can live with it.
Pisces The stars expect you to be professional and abide by their decision to kill you off to boost ratings and move the sluggish storyline along.
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