• Aries Your promise to be "the best sister in the world" if God saves your pet hamster is complicated by the fact that you have no siblings, you are not female, and Mr. Squeaks is a rat.
  • Taurus Shelley Long will briefly win back the nation's heart by repeatedly ringing your doorbell and running away.
  • Gemini You'll get your girlfriend pregnant, but don't worry: It isn't a human baby.
  • Cancer That ever-present, inexplicable feeling of dread will begin to make a little more sense this week.
  • Leo You are shocked and embarrassed when police tell you that "Manwiches" should be made from a canned-beef mix.
  • Virgo Your shocking decision to pose nude in Cosmopolitan may not have created such a stir had you asked the editors' permission first.
  • Libra Your boast that you could solve the Arab-Israeli conflict with one hand tied behind your back comes back to haunt you when you try to escape Syria in a rowboat.
  • Scorpio Save time: Exact bloody revenge now, before the bastards have a chance to wrong you.
  • Sagittarius Your attempt to write a sensitive novel about close relationships is hampered by your never having had one.
  • Capricorn The tranquil picture of your life will be shattered into a thousand pieces and scattered to the four winds, but not so that you'd notice.
  • Aquarius You face the cold reality of getting older when you realize that you are no longer too sexy for your shirt.
  • Pisces You will be chilled to the very depths of your soul by the phrase "producer-director Rip Taylor."