• Aries Your attempt to publish your account of a year-long trip down China's Yellow River will meet with strong opposition. Change your name from Irene Paulette Freely to something more dignified.
  • Taurus Now that Ray Nitschke has passed on, Dick Butkus will be assigned to follow you around and keep you on your toes.
  • Gemini Your lack of purpose in life prompts you to turn to the phone book, where you find the inspiration and strength you need to go on.
  • Cancer Your sighs of relief over the recent asteroid false alarm will be short-lived, as you have developed thick, yellow toenail fungus.
  • Leo Your efforts to fit in are failing, but it's not entirely your fault. Try relocating to a place where the locals tend to be more tolerant of people with giant, pulsating humps.
  • Virgo The same people who called you a big fat walrus will suck up to you shamelessly when you are chosen to star in the hot new CBS sitcom Mrs. Folds' Slovenly Adventures.
  • Libra You finally come to terms with the brutal, unsolved 1974 murder of your little brother when you remember that you beat him to death with an ice skate.
  • Scorpio Avoid putting too much faith in trite, vaguely worded generalizations that concern your future.
  • Sagittarius You will abandon all rational thought and join a cult that worships a jealous old man with a white beard who can read your mind.
  • Capricorn Everyone wants to earn your favor this week. This is because you are a judge on the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals.
  • Aquarius Your goal of adopting a more open, European approach to your sexuality will be denounced by every nation in Europe except Germany.
  • Pisces You will soon be down to your last biscuit, but it seems that no one will help you out from under the log.