Aries Stop blaming your problems on the people in your life. Blame various government agencies instead.
Taurus You've considered becoming many things in your life, but you'll be truly surprised to wind up becoming this season's hot new pie filling.
Gemini Despite everything you will experience this week, take heart: Not all mustachioed, top-hat-wearing gentlemen tie Geminis to railroad tracks.
Cancer Be careful. Someone you know has fallen under the influence of an illogical, self-contradictory Middle Eastern religion.
Leo Your long-standing fear of flowing water will be tragically vindicated on Tuesday.
Virgo All the world loves a lover. Up to a point, that is, and providing, of course, he or she has permission.
Libra After years of hard work and clawing your way to the top of your profession, the powers that be will finally grant you a lamp and a new dry-erase board.
Scorpio There are more important things in life than the new Star Wars movie, but not in your particular life.
Sagittarius Don't worry, somebody out there loves you. With any luck, the authorities should have him in custody very soon.
Capricorn There will always be people who doubt your vision and laugh derisively at your dream. That is, after all, what makes this country great.
Aquarius Though your best years are behind you, take comfort in the fact that your worst years are nearly behind you, as well.
Pisces You will be overcome this week by the feeling that the stars are speaking directly to you, Nikki Britton of DeKalb Avenue, Brooklyn, NY.
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