Horoscope

03.17.99 | ISSUE 35•10

  • Aries Stop blaming your problems on the people in your life. Blame various government agencies instead.
  • Taurus You've considered becoming many things in your life, but you'll be truly surprised to wind up becoming this season's hot new pie filling.
  • Gemini Despite everything you will experience this week, take heart: Not all mustachioed, top-hat-wearing gentlemen tie Geminis to railroad tracks.
  • Cancer Be careful. Someone you know has fallen under the influence of an illogical, self-contradictory Middle Eastern religion.
  • Leo Your long-standing fear of flowing water will be tragically vindicated on Tuesday.
  • Virgo All the world loves a lover. Up to a point, that is, and providing, of course, he or she has permission.
  • Libra After years of hard work and clawing your way to the top of your profession, the powers that be will finally grant you a lamp and a new dry-erase board.
  • Scorpio There are more important things in life than the new Star Wars movie, but not in your particular life.
  • Sagittarius Don't worry, somebody out there loves you. With any luck, the authorities should have him in custody very soon.
  • Capricorn There will always be people who doubt your vision and laugh derisively at your dream. That is, after all, what makes this country great.
  • Aquarius Though your best years are behind you, take comfort in the fact that your worst years are nearly behind you, as well.
  • Pisces You will be overcome this week by the feeling that the stars are speaking directly to you, Nikki Britton of DeKalb Avenue, Brooklyn, NY.
  • Past Horoscopes

    • February 7, 2012

      Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

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