Horoscope for the week of March 17, 2004

Horoscope ISSUE 40•11 Mar 17, 2004
  • Aries Many consider you a big teddy bear, but due to unwise forays past the boundaries of sanity, you're now more teddy bear than man.
  • Taurus A high-speed car chase, complete with a gun battle, will do a lot to convince you that not all real-estate brokers are the same.
  • Gemini You're happy you set a new world record, but you were hoping to win the award for pancake eating, not fingernail length.
  • Cancer All men are created equal, which means a just God has compensated for your laser vision in a rather embarrassing way.
  • Leo You'll achieve fame and get into all the best clubs when Danger Mouse mixes you into his next album.
  • Virgo Through the impressive process of extending Orion's celestial finger, the stars indicate that you should fuck off.
  • Libra There's no one less deserving of an ever-present entourage of beautiful, talented backup singers than you, but no one said life was fair.
  • Scorpio A long-standing problem of order in the universe will be solved when you obtain an under-sink rack to hold your loose cookie sheets, baking pans, and pot lids.
  • Sagittarius You will spend hours this week engaged in a bizarre political debate over whether guns can kill people.
  • Capricorn Your reputation for staying on the cutting edge of trial law is reinforced when you become your city's first cutthroat gay-divorce lawyer.
  • Aquarius America's little girls refuse to let you cure your rare but adorable form of anemia, in which little elves with big blue eyes siphon your blood while you sleep.
  • Pisces New directions in evolutionary theory make it possible for people to be disgusted at what you evolved from.