Aries After hearing a new Keith Sweat version of "Your Song," your spouse will stab you to death and eat your corpse.
Taurus A crafty door-to-door salesman will weave his silver-tongued magic about you, leaving you with the world's largest collection of sea monkeys.
Gemini Your legendary love of mashed potatoes leads to romance when you discover a way to unlock the erotic potential of hot cream gravy and clarified butter.
Cancer Your death and ascension into heaven will take a disappointing turn when, in a break with tradition, the souls of those you slew in battle refuse to serve you cold beer.
Leo Your comforting weekly routine is broken up when your mother's profanity-laden phone call never comes.
Virgo You will spend the week in a walking coma after a slick big-city lawyer fills your head with a bunch of nonsense.
Libra Dismay and hopelessness will enter your dreary little life this week in the form of twin sons.
Scorpio You will achieve a kind of immortality this week when you become the first person in history to be bludgeoned to death with a lace doily.
Sagittarius You return from a much-needed vacation to find your wine cellar depleted and the muddy bootprints of two dozen construction workers in your wife's bedroom.
Capricorn A film festival featuring all your early screen appearances will soon be showing in your hometown, but Sam's Super Sleazy XXX Sin-ema will refuse to give your family free tickets.
Aquarius A surprise visit from your mother leads to a wacky mix-up when she finds the 700 used syringes you were saving for an art project.
Pisces Your newfound ability to pick up Canadian radio stations will be the only positive side effect of the brand-new steel plate in your head.
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