Horoscope for the week of March 2, 2005

- video
- sports
- On TV
- politics
- news beat
- more
- social
- A.V. Club
- Store
- Dating
- Contests

In The News
- Einstein 'Just That Stupid'
- Iran Worried
- No Child Left Behind
- Postracial Racism
- Last Updated 10:43 AM

Horoscope

Article Tools

Email

Email

To:

From:
Print
Share
Share
- Facebook
- Digg
- Stumble
- Reddit

Aries Your ruthlessness in carrying out love-triangle arbitrage will earn you a fearsome reputation as a short-term emotional-bond trader.

Taurus Nothing you've been told will prepare you for the pain of childbirth, especially when your daughter bursts from your brow, decapitating you instantly.

Gemini It's true that the best things in life are free, but you've never been the kind of person who demands quality.

Cancer The ghost of Roger Troutman magically appears to you whenever you do something funky, which explains why you've seen him only once.

Leo You thought pulling off the heist would be as easy as taking candy from a baby, but then you found out the four tons of fine imported Italian chocolates had to be kept at a constant temperature.

Virgo Upon your death this Friday, you'll find that entrance to heaven is granted only to members and those non-members who first agree to view a half-millennium sales presentation for condos in Elysium.

Libra Many major changes are ahead for you this week, but you'll probably give most of your attention to the changes involving temperature, altitude, and brain activity.

Scorpio You'll be overcome with a mixture of empathy and annoyance when you accidentally stumble into the closet where all the suppressed homosexuals hang out.

Sagittarius You have an irrefutable message concerning the importance of psychoactive drugs in personal development, but no one will heed your boring, hyper-rational lectures.

Capricorn In your quest for supremacy, you'll be accused of overlooking the human cost. But you'll know that's ridiculous—you've already spent well over $700.

Aquarius Everyone is aware that you don't care what the people say, but that doesn't mean they'll listen when you tell them you're going to love them anyway.

Pisces Your willingness to gamble on extreme long shots is endearing, but you never should've bet your life savings on the Bears to win the 1986 world championship.

More Horoscope

« Horoscope for the week of February ... (February 23, 2005)
Horoscope for the week of March ... » (March 9, 2005)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...