Aries Your excitement over the new arrival in your life is shattered when it is born with antlers.
Taurus The stars indicate that they have stepped out for a moment and will be back at 3 p.m., if the little clock on their door can be believed.
Gemini The men from the government will exercise a surprising amount of patience while explaining to you that income taxes are not determined by essay.
Cancer Those closest to you will continue to try and edge away as politely and quietly as possible.
Leo By all means, move confidently in the direction of your dreams, as long as that means spending a great deal of time asleep.
Virgo Your assumption that the dog doesn't know how funny he looks in the wig assumes a lot about canine intelligence, dignity, and sexuality.
Libra Your impassioned calls for equality between the races continue to go unheeded by the world's cetacean rulers.
Scorpio As much as you try to control your own destiny, the Hands of Fate will intervene several times next week, knocking you into puddles for their own amusement.
Sagittarius Recent events have strengthened your resolve to finally get around to burning all those bodies you've got lying around.
Capricorn You will feel clearer and more organized but somehow less vital when the story of your life is professionally copy-edited.
Aquarius Your extremely trying week will not be improved by your decision to deal with all problems by leaning on the horn.
Pisces You will successfully foil a secret plot to infiltrate your house and surprise you with birthday gifts, cake, and good wishes.
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