• Aries Your excitement over the new arrival in your life is shattered when it is born with antlers.
  • Taurus The stars indicate that they have stepped out for a moment and will be back at 3 p.m., if the little clock on their door can be believed.
  • Gemini The men from the government will exercise a surprising amount of patience while explaining to you that income taxes are not determined by essay.
  • Cancer Those closest to you will continue to try and edge away as politely and quietly as possible.
  • Leo By all means, move confidently in the direction of your dreams, as long as that means spending a great deal of time asleep.
  • Virgo Your assumption that the dog doesn't know how funny he looks in the wig assumes a lot about canine intelligence, dignity, and sexuality.
  • Libra Your impassioned calls for equality between the races continue to go unheeded by the world's cetacean rulers.
  • Scorpio As much as you try to control your own destiny, the Hands of Fate will intervene several times next week, knocking you into puddles for their own amusement.
  • Sagittarius Recent events have strengthened your resolve to finally get around to burning all those bodies you've got lying around.
  • Capricorn You will feel clearer and more organized but somehow less vital when the story of your life is professionally copy-edited.
  • Aquarius Your extremely trying week will not be improved by your decision to deal with all problems by leaning on the horn.
  • Pisces You will successfully foil a secret plot to infiltrate your house and surprise you with birthday gifts, cake, and good wishes.