• Aries You will find yourself torn between two lovers, one who is giving and kind and refuses to let you go, and another who chains you to the bumper of his truck.
  • Taurus While it's true that deciding to begin is half the battle, the rest turns out to be a bloody contest of attrition in the treacherous Khyber Pass.
  • Gemini The stars thank you for your interest, but you do not fit their needs at this time. Good luck in future endeavors.
  • Cancer Your hatred of the strange and unfamiliar leads you to open hundreds of identical fast-food restaurants.
  • Leo Sooner or later, you're going to have to stop and think about whose money it is, what the girl's name might be, what's in the bags of white powder, and why that helicopter sound keeps getting louder.
  • Virgo You will be disproportionately rewarded for your ability to manipulate a standard-issue baseball.
  • Libra Events that will eventually win you fame as the Human Tiddlywink are starting to come together in a Pittsburgh manhole-cover factory.
  • Scorpio You will never completely overcome your murderous rage at the people who turned an anti-corporate Devo song into an ad jingle for Target.
  • Sagittarius Look on the bright side: After the next four years, they probably won't elect another Republican in your lifetime.
  • Capricorn Attempts to bring you to justice will ultimately prove fruitless, forcing justice to come to you with its own fruit.
  • Aquarius Though the moon seems large in the night sky, you can cover it up with a nickel. However, this will cause an eclipse, so don't do it casually.
  • Pisces You will be worshipped as a god when you demonstrate your lighter to the natives, all of whom smoke but forgot to bring matches.