Horoscope for the week of March 22, 2000

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Aries Your birthday this week will result in yet another disappointing and under-attended party.

Taurus The combination of Mars and Venus in your sun sign indicates that love is in your future whether you can afford it or not.

Gemini Beware of being influenced by the Moon in this phase of your life. That lunar bastard has his agents everywhere!

Cancer Be careful when your most fundamental beliefs are called into question. You know what Jesus told you no matter what the doctors say.

Leo Remember, rules weren't written for people like you. They were written specifically to exclude people like you.

Virgo Although the Sun, Mercury, and Jupiter are all in Virgo this week, you shouldn't be alarmed. That's just the kind of thing you'd expect from that slut Virgo.

Libra Libra is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant parole.

Scorpio You will take a journey of a great distance off a short pier this week.

Sagittarius The benevolent healing powers of Earth magic are currently very strong in Sagittarius. However, in you, they're barely worth mentioning.

Capricorn Try to live a simpler and easier existence this week. After this week, though, go right back to indulging your every whim.

Aquarius Stand up for what you believe in this week. Join the million-Aquarius march for greater Zodiacal representation.

Pisces You'll find yourself up the creek without a paddle this week, but take heart: Paddles are available for purchase at any decent sporting-goods store.

More Horoscope

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Horoscope for the week of April ... » (April 5, 2000)

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