• Aries Your birthday this week will result in yet another disappointing and under-attended party.
  • Taurus The combination of Mars and Venus in your sun sign indicates that love is in your future whether you can afford it or not.
  • Gemini Beware of being influenced by the Moon in this phase of your life. That lunar bastard has his agents everywhere!
  • Cancer Be careful when your most fundamental beliefs are called into question. You know what Jesus told you no matter what the doctors say.
  • Leo Remember, rules weren't written for people like you. They were written specifically to exclude people like you.
  • Virgo Although the Sun, Mercury, and Jupiter are all in Virgo this week, you shouldn't be alarmed. That's just the kind of thing you'd expect from that slut Virgo.
  • Libra Libra is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant parole.
  • Scorpio You will take a journey of a great distance off a short pier this week.
  • Sagittarius The benevolent healing powers of Earth magic are currently very strong in Sagittarius. However, in you, they're barely worth mentioning.
  • Capricorn Try to live a simpler and easier existence this week. After this week, though, go right back to indulging your every whim.
  • Aquarius Stand up for what you believe in this week. Join the million-Aquarius march for greater Zodiacal representation.
  • Pisces You'll find yourself up the creek without a paddle this week, but take heart: Paddles are available for purchase at any decent sporting-goods store.