Horoscope for the week of March 24, 1999

- video
- sports
- On TV
- politics
- news beat
- more
- social
- A.V. Club
- Store
- Dating
- Contests

In The News
- Komen Foundation
- Super Bowl
- Groundhog Day
- Huffington Post Death
- Last Updated 4:37 PM

Horoscope

Article Tools

Email

Email

To:

From:
Print
Share
Share
- Facebook
- Digg
- Stumble
- Reddit

03.24.99 | ISSUE 35•11

Aries At long last, you finally achieve total domination of the woodwind section of the Berlin Philharmonic.

Taurus Don't worry: There's nothing wrong with your outlook, career plans or enormous set of antlers.

Gemini All your deepest hopes and dreams will finally come true this week for someone other than yourself.

Cancer Long airplane, car or boat trips may signal travel for adventurous Cancer this week.

Leo This would be a bad time to discontinue your practice of firing several warning shots through every closed door you encounter.

Virgo This is your time: Stop even pretending to be the selfless, giving person everyone knows you’re not.

Libra Fortune passes everywhere this week. However, it passes you so quickly that you may be badly hurt.

Scorpio It would be best if you didn't leave the house this week. Candice Bergen is still out there, and she has a long, long memory.

Sagittarius The stars have seen you gazing up at them, and they now answer your unspoken question: Yes, they are real.

Capricorn Contrary to the predictions of several experts, you will actually find it rather simple to breed in captivity.

Aquarius Take time out to consider your own mortality this week, but be sure to do it before your Friday-morning train ride.

Pisces This is an illusion. Make good use of your time, Buddy Boy.

More Horoscope

« Horoscope for the week of March ... (March 17, 1999)
Horoscope for the week of March ... » (March 31, 1999)

Past Horoscopes

January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...
November 1, 2011

Aries They say the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, but as far as you're concerned, crap like that is for people who can get out of bed. Taurus Your significant other has always been the never-say-d...