Horoscope for the week of March 26, 2003

Horoscope ISSUE 39•11 Mar 26, 2003
  • Aries You'll prove an unwritten law of travel when your postcards arrive a week after your coffin is flown back.
  • Taurus It's not the hammer of life that's going to beat you down this week, but the hammer of Gene Dubrowski, a local roofer.
  • Gemini You will nearly drown when your classically educated mother submerges you in the Ohio River to give you invincibility.
  • Cancer Rocket skates, giant magnets, and anvils are all well and good, but as the new president of Acme, you're expected to come up with the next Swiffer.
  • Leo They said they'd be right back after those important messages, but the messages weren't all that important and it's been almost 14 years.
  • Virgo You will gain a much greater understanding of what makes women tick when you take one apart and study her in minute detail.
  • Libra Your constant whining about your shoeless condition will continue unabated even after you see a man who has no feet.
  • Scorpio Your life takes a sudden aggressive and violent turn when you start asking yourself how General Patton would handle workplace conflicts.
  • Sagittarius About this upcoming Thursday: Let that be a lesson to you about whom you loan power tools, money, and gasoline.
  • Capricorn Those you love most will soon gather together with you and ask a judge to put you away for as long as the law allows.
  • Aquarius The older you get, the more you're convinced that we were all put in this retirement home for a reason.
  • Pisces Learn to appreciate the little joys that life provides, as three days won't give you much time for the big joys.