Aries Powers beyond your control will soon determine your fate while you wait patiently in the car.
Taurus When your plane crashes in the Andes, you will be forced to eat the flight crew, making you glad you chose to fly Succulent Pig Airlines.
Gemini That old saying about cowards dying a thousand deaths while heroes die but once will occur to you at an extremely apt moment.
Cancer There are a million reasons you shouldn't give up hope of ever finding love. None of them, however, are very good.
Leo You will be shocked and embarrassed when the arresting officers inform you that cockfighting is supposed to involve chickens.
Virgo Virgo is proud to introduce the 2003 Horoscopes, boasting twice the horsepower and 30 percent more rear-seat legroom.
Libra Your mother's advice will fail you when you start carefully sounding out the hard words during a speech before the House Subcommittee For Military Appropriations.
Scorpio You will undergo a profound personal change that results in you finally paying your phone bill, if you know what's good for you.
Sagittarius Forces are being set in motion that will forever change the way you look at microwaveable Mexican dinners.
Capricorn The gods of justice say they will hear your petition just as soon as they have finished discussing the designated-hitter rule.
Aquarius You will experience deep spiritual vertigo when you realize there is nothing else in the world you want to buy.
Pisces Though there is a patron saint of being finely minced, you remember his name far too late.
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