Horoscope

03.27.02 | ISSUE 38•11

  • Aries Powers beyond your control will soon determine your fate while you wait patiently in the car.
  • Taurus When your plane crashes in the Andes, you will be forced to eat the flight crew, making you glad you chose to fly Succulent Pig Airlines.
  • Gemini That old saying about cowards dying a thousand deaths while heroes die but once will occur to you at an extremely apt moment.
  • Cancer There are a million reasons you shouldn't give up hope of ever finding love. None of them, however, are very good.
  • Leo You will be shocked and embarrassed when the arresting officers inform you that cockfighting is supposed to involve chickens.
  • Virgo Virgo is proud to introduce the 2003 Horoscopes, boasting twice the horsepower and 30 percent more rear-seat legroom.
  • Libra Your mother's advice will fail you when you start carefully sounding out the hard words during a speech before the House Subcommittee For Military Appropriations.
  • Scorpio You will undergo a profound personal change that results in you finally paying your phone bill, if you know what's good for you.
  • Sagittarius Forces are being set in motion that will forever change the way you look at microwaveable Mexican dinners.
  • Capricorn The gods of justice say they will hear your petition just as soon as they have finished discussing the designated-hitter rule.
  • Aquarius You will experience deep spiritual vertigo when you realize there is nothing else in the world you want to buy.
  • Pisces Though there is a patron saint of being finely minced, you remember his name far too late.

    • Past Horoscopes

    • February 7, 2012

      Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

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