Horoscope for the week of March 27, 2002

Horoscope ISSUE 38•11 Mar 27, 2002
  • Aries Powers beyond your control will soon determine your fate while you wait patiently in the car.
  • Taurus When your plane crashes in the Andes, you will be forced to eat the flight crew, making you glad you chose to fly Succulent Pig Airlines.
  • Gemini That old saying about cowards dying a thousand deaths while heroes die but once will occur to you at an extremely apt moment.
  • Cancer There are a million reasons you shouldn't give up hope of ever finding love. None of them, however, are very good.
  • Leo You will be shocked and embarrassed when the arresting officers inform you that cockfighting is supposed to involve chickens.
  • Virgo Virgo is proud to introduce the 2003 Horoscopes, boasting twice the horsepower and 30 percent more rear-seat legroom.
  • Libra Your mother's advice will fail you when you start carefully sounding out the hard words during a speech before the House Subcommittee For Military Appropriations.
  • Scorpio You will undergo a profound personal change that results in you finally paying your phone bill, if you know what's good for you.
  • Sagittarius Forces are being set in motion that will forever change the way you look at microwaveable Mexican dinners.
  • Capricorn The gods of justice say they will hear your petition just as soon as they have finished discussing the designated-hitter rule.
  • Aquarius You will experience deep spiritual vertigo when you realize there is nothing else in the world you want to buy.
  • Pisces Though there is a patron saint of being finely minced, you remember his name far too late.