• Aries Stop worrying so much about what your friends think. You should only care about the opinions of decent people.
  • Taurus You pride yourself on learning something new every day, but next Wednesday will provide you with a greater education in primate anatomy and high-energy physics than you really wanted.
  • Gemini The monsters that rampage through your slumber party will be different from the ones that terrorized Party Beach just a few days ago.
  • Cancer You might be feeling down about your choice of careers this week, but look on the bright side: You're still the best deal in town.
  • Leo The story of your life turns out to be a ripoff of Donald Westlake's 1975 crime-caper novel Two Much!
  • Virgo Just keep telling the officers "No hablo Ingles." Unless they're Mexican. In that case, run.
  • Libra When the girl you picked up at the bar said she could "peel a banana with it," she was actually talking about the Peelerator, a handy, labor-saving device she sells out of her bedroom.
  • Scorpio There's just something about you that screams gay. But that's okay, as it's your voice, and you're doing it on purpose.
  • Sagittarius A word of advice: Though drywall cement is a substance, it is not the kind that can be abused.
  • Capricorn You've always thought that kicking the tires on used cars was smart, but next week you'll encounter a dealer who fills them with nitroglycerine.
  • Aquarius You just don't have time for any so-called "rocking" song that doesn't have cowbell-banging in the chorus.
  • Pisces Two-time Academy Award winner Jack Lemmon will call you at home next Thursday to inform you that he has no intention of ever portraying you.