Horoscope for the week of March 3, 1999

Horoscope ISSUE 35•08 Mar 3, 1999
  • Aries Your loud public whining about "getting the hell out of this podunk town" will finally drive your fellow Manhattanites over the edge.
  • Taurus Yet another set of those annoying bony growths will fall off your head this week. Consider getting out of the caribou business.
  • Gemini You can't for the life of you figure out why they call it a loveseat, as it does not love you and never will.
  • Cancer Avoid people who find meaningful patterns in the randomness of Nature.
  • Leo Jupiter ascending in your sign indicates that the Cosmos couldn't give a good god damn what happens to you.
  • Virgo The stars indicate you should purge yourself of the sin of vanity. After all, you’ve got a face like a hog's ass.
  • Libra For the last time: It simply isn't true about Richard Gere. Please stop asking.
  • Scorpio After a long, hard search for a hot meal and a place to sleep, you finally just reheat yesterday's pizza and sack out on the couch.
  • Sagittarius Though you've prayed earnestly all your life, it has never worked. Consider having your hands surgically enlarged.
  • Capricorn Stop leading our nation's children down a moral sewer. Instead, use candy and ropes to lead them down real sewers.
  • Aquarius Though last Monday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
  • Pisces Your trip to the astral healer will be a major spiritual success, but your physical body will be destroyed by a truck on the way home.