Horoscope for the week of March 3, 1999
Aries Your loud public whining about "getting the hell out of this podunk town" will finally drive your fellow Manhattanites over the edge.Taurus Yet another set of those annoying bony growths will fall off your head this week. Consider getting out of the caribou business.Gemini You can't for the life of you figure out why they call it a loveseat, as it does not love you and never will.Cancer Avoid people who find meaningful patterns in the randomness of Nature.Leo Jupiter ascending in your sign indicates that the Cosmos couldn't give a good god damn what happens to you.Virgo The stars indicate you should purge yourself of the sin of vanity. After all, you’ve got a face like a hog's ass.Libra For the last time: It simply isn't true about Richard Gere. Please stop asking.Scorpio After a long, hard search for a hot meal and a place to sleep, you finally just reheat yesterday's pizza and sack out on the couch.Sagittarius Though you've prayed earnestly all your life, it has never worked. Consider having your hands surgically enlarged.Capricorn Stop leading our nation's children down a moral sewer. Instead, use candy and ropes to lead them down real sewers.Aquarius Though last Monday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.Pisces Your trip to the astral healer will be a major spiritual success, but your physical body will be destroyed by a truck on the way home.
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