Horoscope for the week of March 3, 2004

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Aries You have greatly angered the God Of Floral Wallcoverings, but it's unclear whether this will affect you in any way.

Taurus No one can deny your sassitude, but unfortunately, any advantage it carries is almost entirely cancelled out by your pet's cattitude.

Gemini With luck, you might have a good 40 years with that special someone, provided he exists, and you find him really soon.

Cancer Not only does time spent watching crappy television count against your time left on earth, it counts double. Don't watch any long miniseries.

Leo There are things you'll carry with you all the days of your life. An 80-pound bag of water-softener salt is one of them.

Virgo Your search for deep meaning in a trite and mundane workaday world continues. Meanwhile, 3,000 people worldwide die of malaria every day, you simp.

Libra You'll complain to the cashier and have your cold fries replaced this week. Years later, you'll look back to this event as proof that you were beyond salvation.

Scorpio The aliens will happen upon our planet's electromagnetic transmissions just in time to catch your first-round exit from Jeopardy!

Sagittarius You're proud that you've matured with your sense of childlike wonder intact, but others are tired of hearing you yell "Fire truck! Fire truck!" whenever one goes by.

Capricorn You can lie to yourself all you want about your petty little life, an ability that is actually pretty valuable.

Aquarius There are people who spend their entire lives trying to make human contact somehow. You should teach them your trick with the bat.

Pisces Years from now, you still won't be able to figure out why the love of your life left you for a nicer, smarter, better-looking person.

More Horoscope

« Horoscope for the week of February ... (February 25, 2004)
Horoscope for the week of March ... » (March 10, 2004)

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