• Aries You have greatly angered the God Of Floral Wallcoverings, but it's unclear whether this will affect you in any way.
  • Taurus No one can deny your sassitude, but unfortunately, any advantage it carries is almost entirely cancelled out by your pet's cattitude.
  • Gemini With luck, you might have a good 40 years with that special someone, provided he exists, and you find him really soon.
  • Cancer Not only does time spent watching crappy television count against your time left on earth, it counts double. Don't watch any long miniseries.
  • Leo There are things you'll carry with you all the days of your life. An 80-pound bag of water-softener salt is one of them.
  • Virgo Your search for deep meaning in a trite and mundane workaday world continues. Meanwhile, 3,000 people worldwide die of malaria every day, you simp.
  • Libra You'll complain to the cashier and have your cold fries replaced this week. Years later, you'll look back to this event as proof that you were beyond salvation.
  • Scorpio The aliens will happen upon our planet's electromagnetic transmissions just in time to catch your first-round exit from Jeopardy!
  • Sagittarius You're proud that you've matured with your sense of childlike wonder intact, but others are tired of hearing you yell "Fire truck! Fire truck!" whenever one goes by.
  • Capricorn You can lie to yourself all you want about your petty little life, an ability that is actually pretty valuable.
  • Aquarius There are people who spend their entire lives trying to make human contact somehow. You should teach them your trick with the bat.
  • Pisces Years from now, you still won't be able to figure out why the love of your life left you for a nicer, smarter, better-looking person.