Horoscope for the week of March 31, 1999

- video
- sports
- On TV
- politics
- news beat
- more
- social
- A.V. Club
- Store
- Dating
- Contests

In The News
- Einstein 'Just That Stupid'
- Iran Worried
- No Child Left Behind
- Postracial Racism
- Last Updated 10:43 AM

Horoscope

Article Tools

Email

Email

To:

From:
Print
Share
Share
- Facebook
- Digg
- Stumble
- Reddit

Aries If the advice of the stars has still somehow failed to bring you happiness, don't worry: There's probably just something terribly wrong with you.

Taurus You will bring joy and laughter to an entire nation with what you thought was a tragic life story.

Gemini Take heart: Though nothing can ever bring back your dead loved ones, there are things that can get rid of your living hated ones.

Cancer Your life will be drab and gray until you discover that your stuffed animals can be posed in amusing sexual positions.

Leo You will fall in love with a kindly Taurus just days before dying of a deadly Cancer.

Virgo Be assured that the gods of Love and Mercy have heard your pleas for help. They have taped them and enjoy playing them for big laughs at their god parties.

Libra You will awaken from a deep, healing sleep to find yourself terribly hung over and covered in windshield glass.

Scorpio The stars indicate that today is a good day to die. This is fortunate, considering what they have to say about tonight.

Sagittarius Don't be so sensitive. Sometimes, when people say "big, fat, flaming asshole," they really just mean "fat asshole."

Capricorn You will become an inspiration to thousands of teens thanks to your standout performance in Scared Straight II.

Aquarius We're sorry, but despite claims to the contrary, this is not the dawning of the Age Of You.

Pisces Your inner beauty makes you shine with the light of a million suns. That and the fact that you are a quasar in the constellation Draco.

More Horoscope

« Horoscope for the week of March ... (March 24, 1999)
Horoscope for the week of April ... » (April 7, 1999)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...