• Aries If the advice of the stars has still somehow failed to bring you happiness, don't worry: There's probably just something terribly wrong with you.
  • Taurus You will bring joy and laughter to an entire nation with what you thought was a tragic life story.
  • Gemini Take heart: Though nothing can ever bring back your dead loved ones, there are things that can get rid of your living hated ones.
  • Cancer Your life will be drab and gray until you discover that your stuffed animals can be posed in amusing sexual positions.
  • Leo You will fall in love with a kindly Taurus just days before dying of a deadly Cancer.
  • Virgo Be assured that the gods of Love and Mercy have heard your pleas for help. They have taped them and enjoy playing them for big laughs at their god parties.
  • Libra You will awaken from a deep, healing sleep to find yourself terribly hung over and covered in windshield glass.
  • Scorpio The stars indicate that today is a good day to die. This is fortunate, considering what they have to say about tonight.
  • Sagittarius Don't be so sensitive. Sometimes, when people say "big, fat, flaming asshole," they really just mean "fat asshole."
  • Capricorn You will become an inspiration to thousands of teens thanks to your standout performance in Scared Straight II.
  • Aquarius We're sorry, but despite claims to the contrary, this is not the dawning of the Age Of You.
  • Pisces Your inner beauty makes you shine with the light of a million suns. That and the fact that you are a quasar in the constellation Draco.