• Aries You will hear something this week that makes you doubt the love of your spouse, but exactly why circus music has this effect will remain a mystery.
  • Taurus Efficient, divine revelation is yours this week when the love goddess Aphrodite appears to you for 1.9 seconds during a round of speed-dating.
  • Gemini You've always believed that you can judge a man by his handshakes, which is why you continue to denounce the theories of Stephen Hawking.
  • Cancer You'll be granted the secret wish of parents everywhere when your adorable baby daughter stays that size forever.
  • Leo The stars believe that a person must make his own mistakes, but they warn you not to do anything that may, say, burn down Chicago this week.
  • Virgo Personal growth looms large in your future as you are transformed into a 1,000-foot giant who blots out the sun.
  • Libra You've always believed that the children are our future, which is true insofar as most are cruel, violent, and short.
  • Scorpio You will find that one can go a long way in this world by practicing honesty, kindness, and the bizarre owl-worship ritual of the Druids.
  • Sagittarius You'll achieve nationwide fame when footage of the polar bear mauling your carcass is set to "Flight Of The Bumblebee."
  • Capricorn It's one thing to try to change your image, but it's another to bulk up on Andro, wear only white mink, and insist that you're the Vanilla Gorilla.
  • Aquarius Some may call your breast implants tacky, but at least you had the guts to try out unconventional shapes.
  • Pisces You're in grave danger of planning your life around vague interpretations of the mysterious patterns that can supposedly be seen in the night sky.