Aries You will hear something this week that makes you doubt the love of your spouse, but exactly why circus music has this effect will remain a mystery.
Taurus Efficient, divine revelation is yours this week when the love goddess Aphrodite appears to you for 1.9 seconds during a round of speed-dating.
Gemini You've always believed that you can judge a man by his handshakes, which is why you continue to denounce the theories of Stephen Hawking.
Cancer You'll be granted the secret wish of parents everywhere when your adorable baby daughter stays that size forever.
Leo The stars believe that a person must make his own mistakes, but they warn you not to do anything that may, say, burn down Chicago this week.
Virgo Personal growth looms large in your future as you are transformed into a 1,000-foot giant who blots out the sun.
Libra You've always believed that the children are our future, which is true insofar as most are cruel, violent, and short.
Scorpio You will find that one can go a long way in this world by practicing honesty, kindness, and the bizarre owl-worship ritual of the Druids.
Sagittarius You'll achieve nationwide fame when footage of the polar bear mauling your carcass is set to "Flight Of The Bumblebee."
Capricorn It's one thing to try to change your image, but it's another to bulk up on Andro, wear only white mink, and insist that you're the Vanilla Gorilla.
Aquarius Some may call your breast implants tacky, but at least you had the guts to try out unconventional shapes.
Pisces You're in grave danger of planning your life around vague interpretations of the mysterious patterns that can supposedly be seen in the night sky.
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