Aries Your joy over an upcoming week off is shattered when your employer reminds you that you are, in fact, a slave and therefore not entitled to vacations.
Taurus Your practice of enjoying life is morally wrong. From now on, work harder and deny yourself even the smallest bit of happiness so you can enjoy yourself after you die.
Gemini Gemini predictions have been discontinued due to the death of the last Gemini in captivity this past Monday.
Cancer Years of enduring the constant, numbing pain of existence will end this week when you discover "whiskey," a magical drink that makes your problems disappear.
Leo You will need to win over your co-workers to your point of view this week. This is no great surprise, however, as you are U.S. Sen. Fred Thompson (R-TN).
Virgo Though you do so with the best of intentions, calling your depressed friend a "big, fat, ugly asshole" will utterly fail to cheer her up.
Libra Communication is especially crucial to your love life this week: To avoid potential misunderstandings, prepare a list of things you do and don’t want to do, and present it to the person you're stalking.
Scorpio Your pastor's assertion that everything you want or need may be found in the Bible is proven true when you find $20 and three packets of heroin in your mother’s New Testament.
Sagittarius You will be plunged into despair following your realization that being a Sagittarius is the most noteworthy thing about you.
Capricorn Your years of strong belief in astrology and the paranormal will finally pay off for the nation's phone psychics.
Aquarius A little-known item about skunk anatomy will leave you smelling awful but smiling from ear to ear this week.
Pisces All meaning will disappear from your life this week when you realize that electronic music is just a fad.