Aries here comes a moment in every person's life when one must honestly evaluate one's worth as a human being. You should put this moment off indefinitely.
Taurus Your replacement by more than 10,000 miles of super-efficient fiber-optic cable is scheduled to begin next week.
Gemini No one will catch your witty, conversational George Romero reference next week, embarrassing you and the entire courtroom.
Cancer You will inspire a disappointing, half-hearted Lifetime Channel original movie after waking from an eight-hour coma.
Leo You will go down in medical history as the first North American to succumb to foot-and-mouth-and-kidney-and-eye-socket-and-lung disease.
Virgo Armed government agents will again prohibit you from attending Milan's oh-so-very Spring Fashion Week.
Libra All the time and effort you've put into preparing for your future should come in handy over the next nine days.
Scorpio After years of using, selling, and enjoying the stuff, you still can't figure out why they call it "dope."
Sagittarius Though you've never even heard of the "Cool-O-Meter," you'll score a measly three on it next Wednesday.
Capricorn You'll set the custom of open-casket funerals back years when you demand that a rather non-traditional part of your casket be left open.
Aquarius Your flagging interest in the arts will be rekindled by the realization that there is a Bat-girl.
Pisces Though it's demonstrably true that "[you] do not have problems; everyone in the rest of the world does," knowing this will do nothing to help you get along with the other members of human society.