Horoscope for the week of March 4, 2001

Horoscope ISSUE 37•12 Mar 4, 2001
  • Aries here comes a moment in every person's life when one must honestly evaluate one's worth as a human being. You should put this moment off indefinitely.
  • Taurus Your replacement by more than 10,000 miles of super-efficient fiber-optic cable is scheduled to begin next week.
  • Gemini No one will catch your witty, conversational George Romero reference next week, embarrassing you and the entire courtroom.
  • Cancer You will inspire a disappointing, half-hearted Lifetime Channel original movie after waking from an eight-hour coma.
  • Leo You will go down in medical history as the first North American to succumb to foot-and-mouth-and-kidney-and-eye-socket-and-lung disease.
  • Virgo Armed government agents will again prohibit you from attending Milan's oh-so-very Spring Fashion Week.
  • Libra All the time and effort you've put into preparing for your future should come in handy over the next nine days.
  • Scorpio After years of using, selling, and enjoying the stuff, you still can't figure out why they call it "dope."
  • Sagittarius Though you've never even heard of the "Cool-O-Meter," you'll score a measly three on it next Wednesday.
  • Capricorn You'll set the custom of open-casket funerals back years when you demand that a rather non-traditional part of your casket be left open.
  • Aquarius Your flagging interest in the arts will be rekindled by the realization that there is a Bat-girl.
  • Pisces Though it's demonstrably true that "[you] do not have problems; everyone in the rest of the world does," knowing this will do nothing to help you get along with the other members of human society.