• Aries All those jokes about your attention span would probably get you down if you ever stuck around to see how they end.
  • Taurus An unfortunate typo in your flyer results in dozens of infuriated jockeys and bettors showing up for your annual three-day horse-raping festival..
  • Gemini Once again, it seems like you're the only one who can get word back to Earth before all hope is lost."
  • Cancer A tumor the size of a walnut will be found in your forebrain, explaining your recent fascination with mid-1970s American fiber art.
  • Leo The Army's okay, you suppose, but you just can't see yourself wearing any uniform that doesn't have two broad leather straps crossing over a bare chest.
  • Virgo Your life seems great, but you wish you knew why that loud computer voice keeps counting backwards.
  • Libra You've always thought it would be thrilling to be shot while trying to escape, but not from a marriage to the manager of the west-side Olive Garden.
  • Scorpio You'll be the toast of Europe when Thievery Corporation remixes you into a cool after-hours chillout-session track.
  • Sagittarius Your relief is palpable when the Channel 7 News CrimeStoppers' reenactment of your upcoming mugging leaves out the pants-wetting.
  • Capricorn You're a passable singer, fair banjo player, and moderately attractive bottle-blonde, but that doesn't mean you're the Lost Dixie Chick.
  • Aquarius You will inherit $20,000 from a great-aunt in Iowa, but, sadly, no overnight stay in a spooky haunted castle is required to claim the money.
  • Pisces A freak accident causes you and a Boise stockbroker to become the world's first "double reverse Idaho twins."