Aries All those jokes about your attention span would probably get you down if you ever stuck around to see how they end.
Taurus An unfortunate typo in your flyer results in dozens of infuriated jockeys and bettors showing up for your annual three-day horse-raping festival..
Gemini Once again, it seems like you're the only one who can get word back to Earth before all hope is lost."
Cancer A tumor the size of a walnut will be found in your forebrain, explaining your recent fascination with mid-1970s American fiber art.
Leo The Army's okay, you suppose, but you just can't see yourself wearing any uniform that doesn't have two broad leather straps crossing over a bare chest.
Virgo Your life seems great, but you wish you knew why that loud computer voice keeps counting backwards.
Libra You've always thought it would be thrilling to be shot while trying to escape, but not from a marriage to the manager of the west-side Olive Garden.
Scorpio You'll be the toast of Europe when Thievery Corporation remixes you into a cool after-hours chillout-session track.
Sagittarius Your relief is palpable when the Channel 7 News CrimeStoppers' reenactment of your upcoming mugging leaves out the pants-wetting.
Capricorn You're a passable singer, fair banjo player, and moderately attractive bottle-blonde, but that doesn't mean you're the Lost Dixie Chick.
Aquarius You will inherit $20,000 from a great-aunt in Iowa, but, sadly, no overnight stay in a spooky haunted castle is required to claim the money.
Pisces A freak accident causes you and a Boise stockbroker to become the world's first "double reverse Idaho twins."
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