Aries Everyone will talk about your bold decision to wear such a revealing swimsuit, especially so soon after the accident.
Taurus Your fear that everyone knows your deepest, darkest secrets is groundless. No one even knows you exist.
Gemini This week will be exceptional for the high frequency and brutality of celebrity makeovers.
Cancer No matter how many times you take that career-determination test, it still comes out saying "kangaroo."
Leo Next time, try not to select your murder weapon on the basis of how much it will impress the police when they find it.
Virgo Friends are beginning to tire of your insistence that you're one of the people in Picasso's "Guernica."
Libra Though you never intended to do so, you will soon trade your dignity for the guitar tablature to several Creed songs.
Scorpio An interesting incident on the freeway will teach you the meaning of the term "swoop and squat" and introduce you to the exciting world of insurance fraud.
Sagittarius Your lifelong battle with stage fright will be justified when you are mauled by an escaped stage.
Capricorn Your prosthetic is incredibly lifelike, but people can tell it's not real–mostly because people don't have three ears.
Aquarius You will finally outdo your father when you go six weeks without saying anything positive.
Pisces Your reach will always exceed your grasp, but don't worry too much: This is normal when you have no hands.
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