• Aries Everyone will talk about your bold decision to wear such a revealing swimsuit, especially so soon after the accident.
  • Taurus Your fear that everyone knows your deepest, darkest secrets is groundless. No one even knows you exist.
  • Gemini This week will be exceptional for the high frequency and brutality of celebrity makeovers.
  • Cancer No matter how many times you take that career-determination test, it still comes out saying "kangaroo."
  • Leo Next time, try not to select your murder weapon on the basis of how much it will impress the police when they find it.
  • Virgo Friends are beginning to tire of your insistence that you're one of the people in Picasso's "Guernica."
  • Libra Though you never intended to do so, you will soon trade your dignity for the guitar tablature to several Creed songs.
  • Scorpio An interesting incident on the freeway will teach you the meaning of the term "swoop and squat" and introduce you to the exciting world of insurance fraud.
  • Sagittarius Your lifelong battle with stage fright will be justified when you are mauled by an escaped stage.
  • Capricorn Your prosthetic is incredibly lifelike, but people can tell it's not real–mostly because people don't have three ears.
  • Aquarius You will finally outdo your father when you go six weeks without saying anything positive.
  • Pisces Your reach will always exceed your grasp, but don't worry too much: This is normal when you have no hands.