• Aries The stars would have been amazed by your survival on that life raft for three weeks even if it weren't filled with hungry Alaskan brown bears.
  • Taurus Though you've long known where babies come from, you're shocked to discover exactly how they got there.
  • Gemini Your first attempt at playwriting might not have the "artsy" quality you were going for, but it will be a runaway hit thanks to its undeniable "fartsy" qualities.
  • Cancer You will be struck by a taxi, dragged two blocks, and hospitalized for four months as part of a new "eye for an eye" crime-deterrence program.
  • Leo The sad truth about next week is that, for you, it's only four days long.
  • Virgo After a lifetime of confusion, you'll finally figure out why they call those things "three-ring binders."
  • Libra You may be a damn good lawyer, but not even you can weather the trials of love with Brian.
  • Scorpio Circumstances compel you to finally come out of your shell next week. Unfortunately, you are a hermit crab.
  • Sagittarius It doesn't matter how old you getñthose pop-up books are simply the most fun thing in the world.
  • Capricorn How quickly things change: A self-immolation that would have been scandalous 10 years ago seems almost whimsical next week.
  • Aquarius Events in your life this week will closely mirror those addressed in the song "Rhinestone Cowboy." Next week: "The Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald."
  • Pisces You'll feel like you've missed something when the novel you're reading about the sexy lady hockey player turns out to be by Don DeLillo under a pen name.