• Aries Your refusal to observe the dress code at work may soon get you fired. Perhaps you should admit that one doesn't need a suit and tie to wash dishes.
  • Taurus You will be forced to leave the army in disgrace when it is discovered that you never enlisted and are not actually a soldier.
  • Gemini Further FAA investigation of the airplane's black box will still be unable to detect anything but your off-key whistling of "O Canada."
  • Cancer Take some time out for yourself this week. Two or three minutes will do, as you really aren't worth much more.
  • Leo You will gain insight into an exciting new dimension, thanks to a pair of red-and-blue-lensed cardboard spectacles.
  • Virgo That spare tire around your midsection isn't going away by itself. Invest in a quality set of tire irons.
  • Libra You will be devastated when a New York Times editorial says you have "yet to convince voters that you have a true passion for seeking the presidency."
  • Scorpio The end is in sight. Only one final step remains before you can truly be called a martyr.
  • Sagittarius Though you are a drug czar, you are not, in fact, Barry McCaffrey, the official U.S. drug czar.
  • Capricorn There is not a person alive who can't beat you at tic-tac-toe.
  • Aquarius The stars see great tragedy in your future, unless you become more generous with contributions to the Zodiac Widows & Orphans Fund.
  • Pisces You will be gripped by the delusional suspicion that all of your closest friends on TV are actually just actors in some far-off studio.