Horoscope for the week of May 1, 2002

Horoscope ISSUE 38•16 May 1, 2002
  • Aries You will be torn between finishing your heating and air-conditioning degree and earning big money right away in the thriving HVAC field.
  • Taurus It might be time to move your family to the inner city to avoid the ever-present dangers of the suburban west side.
  • Gemini Try to resolve your deep-seated issues with your body soon, because you're not going to be in it much longer.
  • Cancer You will experience a late flash of insight when you realize the gentleman actually meant that a man named "Hu" was on first base.
  • Leo A report published in the journal Nature hypothesizes that both genetics and social dynamics are to blame for you being such an asshole.
  • Virgo The controversy over the photo of you meeting Hitler will continue to rage in spite of the scissor cuts, the Scotch tape, and the fact that your half is in color.
  • Libra Disappointment will continue to haunt you in the form of the watery, weak stuff some dare to call "hot" salsa.
  • Scorpio Studies find that nursing-home residents with children are happier and more at peace than those without. In 43 years, you will be a notable exception.
  • Sagittarius Though it's hardly your fault, you'll be despised by children around the world when Santa's desiccated corpse is found stuck in your chimney.
  • Capricorn You will soon come under heavy criticism for the lack of minority representation in your record collection.
  • Aquarius It does not benefit you to continue producing, directing, and starring in your own cooking show years after it last aired.
  • Pisces A Japanese fishing boat will catch you off the Philippine coast this week, astonishing scientists who thought you'd been extinct since the Pleistocene era.