Horoscope for the week of May 10, 2000

- video
- sports
- On TV
- politics
- news beat
- more
- social
- A.V. Club
- Store
- Dating
- Contests

In The News
- Downton Abbey
- Obama Rant
- Manning Retirement
- GOP Mystery Candidate
- Last Updated 9:00 PM

Horoscope

Article Tools

Email

Email

To:

From:
Print
Share
Share
- Facebook
- Digg
- Stumble
- Reddit

Aries The opening of your soul's mystic Third Eye will be accompanied by the sprouting of your head's fourth through eleventh eyes.

Taurus The power of mythology extends to your private life this Mother's Day when you find yourself facing the ancient mother-maiden-crone archetype across the dinner table.

Gemini The combination of Mercury and Uranus in your sign is the reason your favorite team never gets past the first round of the NHL playoffs.

Cancer Though you're confident your parents love you just as much as their real children, they've gone to the papers with a different story.

Leo The people who want you to stop your infantile behavior are just jealous of all the breastfeeding you're getting.

Virgo Though it's true that you've got your whole life ahead of you, remember that the term "life" is not duration-specific.

Libra You will undergo an almost magical sea-change into something rotten that is scavenged by carrion-eating crabs.

Scorpio Though you're sure the punchline is something like, "Superman, you're a mean drunk," you'll be damned if you can remember the whole joke.

Sagittarius This is an especially good week for your creative side, which is mostly centered on snow-globe collecting.

Capricorn You will begin to suspect they're "on to you" about 20 years too late.

Aquarius Your life will lose direction when the manager calls in sick.

Pisces The realization that life is a tale told by an idiot comes as a great consolation to you and all the other idiots.

More Horoscope

« Horoscope for the week of May ... (May 3, 2000)
Horoscope for the week of May ... » (May 17, 2000)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...