• Aries The opening of your soul's mystic Third Eye will be accompanied by the sprouting of your head's fourth through eleventh eyes.
  • Taurus The power of mythology extends to your private life this Mother's Day when you find yourself facing the ancient mother-maiden-crone archetype across the dinner table.
  • Gemini The combination of Mercury and Uranus in your sign is the reason your favorite team never gets past the first round of the NHL playoffs.
  • Cancer Though you're confident your parents love you just as much as their real children, they've gone to the papers with a different story.
  • Leo The people who want you to stop your infantile behavior are just jealous of all the breastfeeding you're getting.
  • Virgo Though it's true that you've got your whole life ahead of you, remember that the term "life" is not duration-specific.
  • Libra You will undergo an almost magical sea-change into something rotten that is scavenged by carrion-eating crabs.
  • Scorpio Though you're sure the punchline is something like, "Superman, you're a mean drunk," you'll be damned if you can remember the whole joke.
  • Sagittarius This is an especially good week for your creative side, which is mostly centered on snow-globe collecting.
  • Capricorn You will begin to suspect they're "on to you" about 20 years too late.
  • Aquarius Your life will lose direction when the manager calls in sick.
  • Pisces The realization that life is a tale told by an idiot comes as a great consolation to you and all the other idiots.