• Aries You will soon be surrounded by medical personnel saying things like "Tzaarp!" "Ka-Blishzzht!" and "Flazzort!" in an effort to describe the sound of your body hitting the high-tension lines.
  • Taurus You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don’t be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
  • Gemini You will undergo an identity crisis when God claims that your name "just doesn’t sound right" and changes it.
  • Cancer You will suddenly find yourself in mid-November with a sign reading, "Six Months Later..." floating over your head.
  • Leo Beware: Charlatans will try to pass off a bunch of vague generalizations as predictions of your future. Don’t trust them.
  • Virgo You will soon receive a big fat cashier’s check. Of course, this happens every two weeks, as you are a big fat cashier.
  • Libra You always thought choosing the right robot would be an easy task... until the task fell to you.
  • Scorpio Frankly, the stars don’t understand what your problem is with calamari. So what if it’s tentacles? It's delicious! Eat it already!
  • Sagittarius A drunken run-in with an angry northwoods lumberjack ends in your being mortally wounded by his scathing put-downs and acid wit.
  • Capricorn Today is not, in fact, the first day of the rest of your life. That was a few weeks ago. Today is Wednesday.
  • Aquarius The planet Uranus rises in your sign and wants to know what you find so damn funny about the name Uranus.
  • Pisces The stars thank you for your submission, but, regrettably, they have no need for your "Pisces Is Nisces!" slogan at this time.