• Aries Interior decorators claim that only about 18 inches of space is needed for people to pass between furnishings, but that was before they got a load of you.
  • Taurus The stars do indeed hold the wisdom of the cosmos and the secrets of creation, but few realize that they also hold the hottest after-parties.
  • Gemini The more you think about it, the more you like the idea of having 12 young men dance around you at all times—as long as it's tastefully done.
  • Cancer Your emotional stasis, lack of imagination, and inability to tell right from wrong will continue to be valuable assets in the world of high finance.
  • Leo You're not sure that mandatory drug testing is constitutional, but, that said, you're willing to give them a try.
  • Virgo Professional athletes often help out in their communities, but you've been a problem in your community for years, and not one athlete has done crap for you.
  • Libra You'll disprove the old chestnut about nice guys finishing last by losing consistently while being a gigantic prick.
  • Scorpio It's hard to tell someone who's always been there for you that you're no longer in love with him, but that's why you'll hire a publicist.
  • Sagittarius Stop telling people you have a "unique vision for America." Many producers of big-time Hollywood musicals had the same unique vision before you did.
  • Capricorn The extreme weather conditions of next week will be hard on infants, the elderly, and you, a person who displays the worst qualities of both.
  • Aquarius You'll soon find love with someone whose indifference, lack of self-respect, and ability to suspend disbelief are perfect for you.
  • Pisces Your career is going so well that at this rate, there might not be any nurses left alive in six years.