Aries Your pride in being a self-made man will be shattered when top scientists at Texas Instruments announce that they built you out of calculator parts.
Taurus You will be thanked profusely by Fox newscasters when live footage of your self-immolation wins them an Emmy.
Gemini You will earn the hatred of scientists worldwide when a team of creationists uses you to definitively disprove the theory of evolution.
Cancer You will run afoul of the Old Testament deity Yahweh, when, after a long masturbation session in which your right hand repeatedly offends you, you fail to cut it off.
Leo The stars wish to counsel you this week in matters involving the female gender. Though they do not actually know, they have often been told that a big-legged woman ain't got no soul.
Virgo Though you did not previously believe it to be possible, you will actually fall in the esteem of others this week.
Libra Your belief in the intrinsic fairness of the universe will be restored this week when your job is given to a much smarter, more ambitious, and better qualified person.
Scorpio You achieve a kind of celebrity this week when, during your first summer trip to the beach, hundreds are killed while fleeing the corpselike pallor of your mountainous thighs.
Sagittarius After years of fruitless worldwide searching, you are finally forced to admit that you cannot find a better beer than Special Export.
Capricorn The government of Canada will honor you this week by engraving the words "Mountie Lover" on your tombstone.
Aquarius The stars indicate that the universe is expanding at a constant rate.
Pisces You will be denied admission to Heaven due to your poor phone manners.
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