Horoscope for the week of May 13, 1998

Horoscope ISSUE 33•18 May 13, 1998
  • Aries Your pride in being a self-made man will be shattered when top scientists at Texas Instruments announce that they built you out of calculator parts.
  • Taurus You will be thanked profusely by Fox newscasters when live footage of your self-immolation wins them an Emmy.
  • Gemini You will earn the hatred of scientists worldwide when a team of creationists uses you to definitively disprove the theory of evolution.
  • Cancer You will run afoul of the Old Testament deity Yahweh, when, after a long masturbation session in which your right hand repeatedly offends you, you fail to cut it off.
  • Leo The stars wish to counsel you this week in matters involving the female gender. Though they do not actually know, they have often been told that a big-legged woman ain't got no soul.
  • Virgo Though you did not previously believe it to be possible, you will actually fall in the esteem of others this week.
  • Libra Your belief in the intrinsic fairness of the universe will be restored this week when your job is given to a much smarter, more ambitious, and better qualified person.
  • Scorpio You achieve a kind of celebrity this week when, during your first summer trip to the beach, hundreds are killed while fleeing the corpselike pallor of your mountainous thighs.
  • Sagittarius After years of fruitless worldwide searching, you are finally forced to admit that you cannot find a better beer than Special Export.
  • Capricorn The government of Canada will honor you this week by engraving the words "Mountie Lover" on your tombstone.
  • Aquarius The stars indicate that the universe is expanding at a constant rate.
  • Pisces You will be denied admission to Heaven due to your poor phone manners.