Horoscope for the week of May 14, 1997

Horoscope ISSUE 31•18 May 14, 1997
  • Aries Your recent feelings of worthlessness are rooted in your desire to help people. Go to the jailhouse and bail out a paperboy killer.
  • Taurus Your "exploding testicles" trick proves a surefire way to impress women, but you can only do it once.
  • Gemini You can drag yourself out of the financial doldrums by investing in education. Teach the neighborhood kids to steal car stereos.
  • Cancer A momentary feeling of achievement and elation evaporates when you realize that you've lost sight of the red card.
  • Leo After six months with no success, you finally realize that your "lost ferret" posters were not the most effective way to get a free ferret.
  • Virgo After waking up sore and confused in the hospital, your doctor explains that "go pack your ass with sand" is only a figure of speech.
  • Libra Treat yourself to a delicious plate of sauerkraut to celebrate your successful crossing of a busy street.
  • Scorpio Prove your belief that life is an unending tragedy by running a busload of orphans off a cliff.
  • Sagittarius Join the Army, then drive your uptight commanding officer nuts with your outrageous non-stop antics.
  • Capricorn You will be lonely for all eternity because of your hideous face.
  • Aquarius After finally getting that cool new pair of Birkenstocks, you realize that they're just a stupid hippie fad.
  • Pisces Now is the perfect time to arrange a lunch date with singer Peabo Bryson.