Horoscope for the week of May 14, 1997

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Aries Your recent feelings of worthlessness are rooted in your desire to help people. Go to the jailhouse and bail out a paperboy killer.

Taurus Your "exploding testicles" trick proves a surefire way to impress women, but you can only do it once.

Gemini You can drag yourself out of the financial doldrums by investing in education. Teach the neighborhood kids to steal car stereos.

Cancer A momentary feeling of achievement and elation evaporates when you realize that you've lost sight of the red card.

Leo After six months with no success, you finally realize that your "lost ferret" posters were not the most effective way to get a free ferret.

Virgo After waking up sore and confused in the hospital, your doctor explains that "go pack your ass with sand" is only a figure of speech.

Libra Treat yourself to a delicious plate of sauerkraut to celebrate your successful crossing of a busy street.

Scorpio Prove your belief that life is an unending tragedy by running a busload of orphans off a cliff.

Sagittarius Join the Army, then drive your uptight commanding officer nuts with your outrageous non-stop antics.

Capricorn You will be lonely for all eternity because of your hideous face.

Aquarius After finally getting that cool new pair of Birkenstocks, you realize that they're just a stupid hippie fad.

Pisces Now is the perfect time to arrange a lunch date with singer Peabo Bryson.

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